At the end of the evening I took her home by taxi and kissed her on her doorstep. By the time I got home, I was in love, but also deeply troubled. Those fears that took root in my heart that day were to grow irresistible in the coming weeks.
To me, Gina was perfection. There was nothing about her that did not thrill me. I, on the other hand, was somewhat less than perfect and that realisation was the seed of the fears I carried. As those seeds germinated into serious thought within me, my path with Gina became ever more clear.
Gina and I met and talked and kissed and flirted and almost, became physical together. I forced myself not to make love to her, though my whole being screamed in protest. The opportunity was there, often. Gina wanted it to happen, but I could not — would not — allow it. I knew if we made love I would not be able to let her go from me, ever. She was just too lovely. Too much of a vision of perfection. Had we made love, I would have proposed within minutes. We would have married within months. I just could not let that happen. I loved her so deeply and in such an all encompassing way that at the slightest provocation I knew I would commit my whole life to her. I also knew, with a deep and crushing sadness, that it would be dangerous for her if I did so.
I was not stable enough and good enough to take someone like Gina and make her happy. I was young, foolish and a fighter. My character was weak and still unformed. My thinking almost entirely focussed on the day at hand and almost never beyond that day. Yet, when thinking of Gina, my thoughts of our future were detailed, deep and entirely pessimistic.
Sometimes I tried to talk myself into seeing a brighter side. I would try to convince myself that my fears were foolish and that I could grow up enough, quickly enough, to become the man Gina needed, but I always snapped out of it and faced reality again. I was just not right for her.
I had kept this thinking to myself. Just having time with Gina was very precious to me and I wanted to enjoy every moment of it. However, I also knew that Gina was falling in love with me and I could not delay telling her the truth of the way I felt much longer.
One damp summers evening we met in the bandstand of a local park. The sun was setting as we held hands and kissed. After a while Gina placed her head against my chest and spoke softly, almost in whispers of her happiness. I knew the time I had been dreading had arrived.
"Gina. I have something to tell you. Something I don't want to say because I love you so very much, but it is something I must say because of that love."
Gina did not reply but I felt her body stiffen slightly against me, as if she was preparing herself for a blow. I remember staring off into the distant trees searching for the right words to say. I was stoking her delicate face and running my fingers through her long hair and trying to hide the fact that underneath my calm voice a heart was breaking and filled with the fear that I might break her heart also.
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